Little Gene,
Honey, I wish you well, and I know you will succeed with your goals. I have faith in you and I want you to be safe. You are always in my thoughts.
Love
Aunt Lola
Aunt Lola...I'm so sorry its taken me this long to respond to your email. I can't tell you how much it means to me to get even a few encouraging words from family members. I remember when my dad was alive, how much more it seemed like the family was around, maybe only because he made it so. It was hard after he was gone, not only missing him, but missing the urgency he gave to keeping the family as close as possible and even at a young age I realized how much dad was an intercessor to the kind of bullshit that has sort of pulled us apart at the seams.
I guess what I'm saying is, I love you Aunt Lola. I have no shortage of memories of you and your boys. Living in Holland off McCord behind the library, or down the street on McCord at the apartment complex. Your place in Perrysburg. when you lived in my dad's old house. I remember when I was a kid, I would throw your Wham! tapes (or Bill's Motley Crue tapes) into your cassette player and listen to em over and over. Playing games at your house all night when you'd have us over. Your ex, Bob. I even have really dreamlike memories of La Rue. I feel like my very first memories are of walking through the house after it burnt down. I have some memories of the trailer. Dad or somebody running over a snake with the lawn mower. Getting yelled at for playing on farm equipment. Trying to follow the big kids as they went out into the back field to do what big kids do. I have a ton of memories with Jake and even with Bill and Jessie. Waking up at the farm to find some strange car in the drive, dad talking to you, the boys sleeping in the car. Finding out that the boys would be living with us for a little while. I was 4, maybe 5. I remember certain things.Another thing is: with all of our family gaining so much distance from each other, I feel like I may be losing a connection with a really big part of who I am and still don't understand. I need to know my family. I need to know as much as I can about my dad. I've heard stories in passing all my life, but they were always "glory" stories and you know, when you're a kid dealing with a dead father, its not too easy to hear those all the time and you sort of start to tune them out. I'm at and have been at a point in my life where I can't afford to tune it out anymore. I can't afford to be so distant from HALF of who I am. I have struggled largely in part to decisions I've made, but mostly because I still don't know who I am. I still deal with the loss of my dad daily, and my brothers and sister don't really get it. They think its time for me to move on, and for some reason I just can't. This part of me has never healed. I feel like if I had my family around, I might better know more about certain things about me. Things I may or may not have picked up from my dad without really realizing it. I only knew him a short time (12 years) but I believe the man made as much of an impact on me as he did on everyone. I still meet strangers who have a story about my dad when I tell them MY NAME..I don't know Aunt Lola. I'm trying to do more with myself. Trying to follow some dreams. Throwing myself into some real wilderness to find out who I am and what exactly I am made of. These past ten years have been rough. Hell, the ten before that weren't so hot either. But I'm surviving. I've met a lot of people. Made a lot of friends. Seen so much. Survived so much. I have instincts and insight about people that I just can't put my finger on and most times I just wish my dad were here so I could talk to him about it. Hear him tell me how proud he is; shit, I'd even take his condemning look of disappointment right now just to have him around.There is a lot more that I won't go into right now. Missing everyone at the family reunion meant missing Grandpa, too. And if you don't know it, he and I really haven't had much to say since he went off on me at my dad's wake for not going down to the burial (I WAS 12)!! I would never forgive myself if I didn't try to take the time to try and get to know him again. My grandpa, probably the closest kinda guy to my dad, as far as I know.Aunt Lola, I'm rambling. I would love to keep in touch with you. I will be 32 in August. I never thought I would make it to 28 to be honest. 32 is a weird number for me, and I feel like this could be a big year forward in my growing up (FINALLY!). I have jobs lined up for the next year or better (Polebridge, Montana, to work near Glacier National Park as a cook at a lodge for two months, then back to NYC to work as a live-in Manny!), and if I can help it, I am not going back to Toledo for a long time (except July 23rd-25th for one last visit). I would love to see you. I would love to see Grandpa too, if he's still around Toledo then. My family is very important to me, as it ever was, and I feel like part of my growing up is to get back to knowing my family again, as my dad would have me doing so. You were a big part of my life growing up though you didn't always live so close, and I would very much like to try and keep you at least as close as you were then.I am going to try and sleep now. I love you, and I'm sorry if any of this isn't exactly coherent. Please write when you get the chance. Let me know what you think about getting together while I am in town.Sincerely,
Gene Jr.
Little Gene,I was happy to hear from you, and I hope you are well. I am happy you have fond memories of me and the kids when you were little. The boys are all doing well, and they would love to see you. They told me to tell you that they think of you often. Honey, your dad was my life, I sent him through high school he lived with us for about 4 years. My brother was my hero and I miss him everyday. Your dad loved you so much and he would not be at peace if he knew you were troubled and lost. You must move on, remember what you had...not what you lost..we all lost. Be that hero he was and shine through....Gene if anyone can bring him back, it is you, you are your dad shining through! I love you and I have worried so long about you....now it is time for you.LoveAunt Lola
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